My Rising

"Can't see nothin' in front of me
Can't see nothin' comin' up behind
Make my way through this darkness
Can't feel nothin' but this chain that binds
Lost track of how far I've gone,
How far I've gone, how high I've climbed
On my back's a 60 pound stone,
On my shoulder 1/2 mile of line...

Come on up for the rising,
come on up, lay your hands in mine
come on up for the Rising
Come on up for the Rising tonight.
-Bruce Springsteen, The Rising

I thought the worst thing that had happened to me was my husband leaving me for someone else with no
warning...it's almost 2 years later and I realize I was wrong...what really went wrong was letting myself slip away from
me, my friends, my God, my family, my soul.

I woke up this year. It was scary at first. The questions I am asking don't have
answers...the time that has passed isn't retrieveable...there is no quick fix. At first I just panicked, and felt anxious...then I became a little depressed. The questions...didn't go away...needing distractions....give me stomach pain, give me sports,
give me food, give me wine, give me RELIEF...LISTEN TO ME...but it was quiet. The quiet lasted a long time.

There was only one voice...some say they don't think you can hear this Voice, but I know the comfort of the words going through my head when I called out. I decided to trust those words...then the same words came to me in my devotional book, on my internet daily words, at church on a Sunday in the middle of my quiet...Debby..DO NOT FEAR. DO NOT WORRY. I AM WITH YOU. Every single day of August these words came to me some way.

I want my soul back. There is a huge longing in me that needs a seashore, a mountain, an island...escape you are thinking...a month ago, yes. But today, it's a bit different...it's the connection - it's having enough inner quiet to sit still, to pick up a pen and write, to hear the doves in the backyard...to listen to music and FEEL something...

Slowwwwly, the quiet has been working...and peace is coming. The questions don't need answers. My Rising is under way.

August Silence

How much quieter can it get? It's hard to believe that in a city like Dallas, you can feel the absence of activity so profoundly. It's as though everyone is "somewhere" better for this middle week of my least favorite month. For some reason, for most of my adult life, August has served as the crucible of my year... it seems I can count on facing something difficult during this long, hot month every single year. I have almost come to dread it, but then it occured to me that maybe there is some "salvation" in this annual corrective experience.

The assortment of reality checks that have marked these 31 days include confrontations from my parents on my maturity, surgeries, unhappy trips with my husband, lack of business, lack of friends around, no sports to watch, searing heat, lack of business, inescapable silence...in short, no distractions to distance me from what God might really be telling me.

Could it be a saving grace that for a few days out of the year I have to come to grips with how I am living, feeling, behaving and functioning? Could this arduous, oppressive atmosphere be the one period of time that grounds me to reality the rest of the year? Is it God's care for me that I'm not allowed to take refuge in any perceived certainty about my health, my future, my business? It makes me wonder if I might should look at August a little differently.

Will I Write?

I have no idea why I am doing this except that I read Michael and Julie's blog and thought I should at least have a personal profile so I spent 45 minutes figuring out how to do this which is more than I cared about doing. So, it's here if I feel an overwhelming desire to express myself!